thisentryisdis jointed

It's a grey Sunday. The air is cold, and I've started wearing gloves outside. The sun makes occasional appearances, peaking its head around the smog banks and sky scrapers to beam a smile or so at the people below. I wave to hello, and smile back. In some ways, my life in Beijing isn't that much different than my life in Seattle. While I may write here about my adventures, 85% of the time, I'm sitting in a warm cozy room, with some soft music playing in the background, studying.

Thats essentially the scene right now. I'm Listening to Jay Brannan (who, I discovered recently, and subsequently fell in love with. He's 26, gay, and beautiful, which makes feel like I have a chance. Oh, one can dream.) I'm cuddled in my blankets because I don't want to start the day.

and in proper fashion, the warm cozy reality I was just experiencing was just shattered by the lady who comes sporadically to check the water meter. Sometimes I wonder if I attract irony.

Well, I suppose I have to reset the scene now. I'm sitting grumpily on my couch, and I'm a little chilly, but thats my own fault, because it's not cold enough to motivate me to move and grab a blanket or turn on the heater. I am longer motivated to write. I will finish this later.

* * *

So it's later now. Specifically, Monday evening. And I'm relatively comfortable again--propped up on my couch with my feet on the coffee table. I ate a sandwich for dinner, and I am now procrastinating on words I should be learning how to write. But it's toasty in my apartment, and I have a stick of Toblerone. I laugh, because this is the same way I would procrastinate in Seattle. Except in Seattle I would usually be propped up on JoEllen Koester's bed satirizing Emily Holt on the other side of the room.

I've actually started thinking about home and my friends more so recently. Not in any nearing-depression sort of way, but in the, itwouldbereallynicetohavelunchwithsoaendsorightnow kind of way. Skype has given me my friend fixes and things are going well. I suppose it's finally hit me that my life in china doesn't involve me working with every social network within a 5 mile radius to institute some sort of project amidst my other responsibilities (as my life in Seattle did). I'm here, learning Chinese, and learning it well. It's just strange now realize...that I am not doing any extracurricular activity other than tutoring English on the side. 

(which might I say, was rediculous today. My student, this really wealthy business woman, wants to be fluent in English in two months. Apparently, Zhang Zi Yi became fluent in two months, and she wants to do the same. I think I responded with something like. "Only if you study really really hard." )

I spend my weekends relaxing, and/or casually working on homework, and I am sane. Chinese has gotten much easier after I've built my foundation of characters, so that pressure is gone. Now, I have constant manageable amounts of stress, and I feel like something is wrong. I probably shouldn't jinx this. It's actually quite nice. Having free time just made me think of home. But not in the way that I'm direly missing home, but because I was just revealed another aspect of how my life in China is different that my life in Seattle. 

This is this most obvious, unexciting an obvious revelation I've had just yet. Walking around the Summer Palace didn't give it to me. Wandering through the mountains of Yunnan didn't give it to me. No, the full realization that coming to China has the opportunity cost of not being in Seattle, gave it to me. Maybe I'm seeing this as more powerful than it actually is. I just can't seem to place my finger on that feeling of truly knowing that I'm doing something different. Maybe its because studying in Seattle is pretty much like studying in China. It's cold outside and I curl up with my notebooks . But its this complete understanding that the rhythm of my daily life is actually different that so gently and bluntly hit me over the head. 

and well, after this revelation-I feel no different. That's a sort of anticlimactic ending to a period of self reflection. 

anyway, in other news:

exciting things in my life happen on the weekends. Yesterday night, when I should have been doing homework, I decided that I would go out to “The Boat.” The Boat has queer Sundays, and every so often, has a screening of a local documentary film project currently being funded by a Forbes Foundation Grant. It’s name is something along the lines of “Queer as Folk: Beijing.” It explores the different facets of gay culture in China and somewhat resembles the “Sex and Seattle Series” that is held at the Hugo House, with the exception that its is more journalism than fictional relationships acted out on stage.

The episode I saw last night focused on the state of HIV in China. At the center of the film was a series of interviews with Edwin Cameron, HIV positive Supreme Court Justice of South Africa. He visited China recently to speak to students and the Health Minster of china. As of now, China’s cultural attitude toward those who are HIV positive is not the least bit accepting. People have been fired from their jobs, and there is still an irrational fear of the disease present in much of the population. However, it is reassuring to know that after Edwin Cameron’s discussion with the Chinese government, the Government is cognizant of the problems that arise from HIV stigma, and how HIV stigma only perpetuates the spread of HIV.

I hope to go back in the future.

I guess I should stop procrastinating now.